Understanding Domestic Violence & Intimate Partner Violence

Domestic Violence (DV) and Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) are patterns of abusive behavior used by one person to gain or maintain power and control over another. They are not “relationship problems” or caused by stress, anger, or substance use—those can make things worse, but abuse is always a choice made by the person who harms.

What is considered abuse?

Abuse can be physical, but it doesn’t have to be. Many survivors experience abuse in multiple ways:

Physical Abuse

  • Hitting, strangulation, pushing, restraining
  • Blocking someone from leaving a room
  • Damaging property to intimidate

Sexual Abuse

  • Any sexual activity without freely given consent
  • Coercing, pressuring, or guilt-tripping someone into sex
  • Reproductive coercion (tampering with birth control, forcing pregnancy outcomes)

Emotional & Psychological Abuse

  • Name-calling, humiliation, threats
  • Gaslighting (“you’re crazy,” “that never happened”)
  • Blaming the survivor for the abuse

Financial Abuse

  • Controlling money, preventing employment
  • Stealing money, sabotaging work performance
  • Forcing someone to hand over paychecks

Digital Abuse

  • Demanding passwords
  • Tracking location
  • Monitoring phones/social media
  • Excessive messaging as control, not connection

Coercive Control

  • Isolation from friends/family
  • Strict rules for behavior
  • Monitoring daily activities
  • Making someone feel constantly watched or fearful

Most abuse follows a pattern or cycle

abuse cycle

Why Survivors Don’t Just Leave

Leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Reasons survivors stay include:

  • Fear of escalating violence
  • Financial dependence
  • Immigration concerns
  • Children involved
  • Religious or cultural pressure
  • Love, hope for change
  • Shame or fear of not being believed
  • Trauma bonding or manipulation
  • Lack of safe housing

The question should never be “Why don’t they leave?” It should be “Why aren’t they safe to leave, and why is someone choosing to abuse them?”

Help is available

Specially trained Victim Advocates are here to support you, help you understand the legal process, and make sure your voice is heard. You are not alone.

We’re here to listen and support you

  • You can talk about what you’re feeling or experiencing.
  • We listen without judgment.
  • You are believed, and your feelings matter.

We’ll help you understand what’s happening with the case

  • We can explain what each court date means.
  • We’ll let you know when there are updates or changes.
  • You can ask as many questions as you need.

We can help you make a safety plan

  • We talk with you about ways to help you stay safer at home, work, or online.
  • We can help you create a safety plan based on your life and your needs.

We can go with you to court

  • You don’t have to sit alone.
  • We can be there to support you during hearings or meetings.
  • We can help you prepare if you need to speak in court.

We’ll explain your rights

  • You have the right to get information about the case.
  • You have the right to be safe and to have your concerns heard.
  • You have the right to share how this has affected you.

We can help connect you to other resources

  • Domestic violence programs
  • Shelter or housing support
  • Counseling or support groups
  • Medical care

You deserve support from every angle, and we can help you find it.

We respect your privacy

Because we work in the DA’s office, some things you share about the criminal case may have to be shared with the defense.
We’ll always be honest about what is and isn’t private, and we can connect you with a confidential advocate if you want someone you can talk to privately.

Most of all, we support your choices

  • We don’t pressure you to move forward with the case.
  • We don’t tell you what to do.
  • You deserve to make the decisions that feel safest and right for you.

You are not alone. You deserve safety, support, and compassion.

You can contact a Victim Advocate at (650) 363-4636 or victimservices@smcgov.org

Individuals seeking assistance can also contact CORA, an agency in San Mateo County dedicated to helping those affected by intimate partner abuse. CORA provides counseling, emergency housing, and legal assistance designed to provide safety, support, and healing.